Tales of the Traffic Troll

I got your attention with that title, didn't I? Perfect! Now keep reading please! Today I want to talk about something most people do on a daily basis. NO, I’m not talking about brushing your teeth or wrestling an alligator, I’m talking about driving. Yes, driving. Now, I know that there are far more interesting things to talk about, but just hear me out on this one.

I work in Downtown Dallas but live about 40 miles away. There’s always traffic, so I spend a considerable amount of time in my car. Because of this, I’ve started to notice how horrible people are at driving and how clueless and unaware everyone is. There are some moments where my mind is blown at the amount of stupidity on the roads, and frankly it’s terrifying and frustrating. With that being said, I know you’re all deeply concerned now that I’ve pointed this out, right? Well, have no fear because I’ve found the solution. Thanks to all the hours I’ve spent in the car, I was able to come up with a few tips and tricks for all drivers everywhere to use. Please, do us all a favor and check it out. Then pass it on to someone else. It’s just like a cold, only this is way better.

#1 – Take your foot off the brake AND off the accelerator. Think about it, you use your brake to stop and your accelerator to go. What do you do when you want to slow down? You take your foot off both and you coast. I want you to think about what you do when you’re driving on the freeway and you see drivers ahead are kind of tapping on their brakes. What do you do? You start tapping your breaks too. Don’t lie, I know you do. EVERYONE does. And then everything gets backed up and we’re all tapping our brakes wondering “where’s the wreck we’re all stopping for?!” So here’s the cool thing, if you’d just take your foot off all controls and let the car coast a little, it’d keep things running a little more smoothly. When I see someone slam on their brakes for no reason, I automatically assume they are stupid and don’t understand the concept of smart driving. Don’t be one of those dummies, PLEASE!

#2 – Please don’t drive on my back bumper. It’s rude. If for some reason I HAVE to slam on my brakes, you’re coming through my back window and I don’t want that. So please, back up off this. That’s great you’re super excited to get to your Grandma’s party or you’re in a rush to empty your bowels but I don’t care. Riding on my car butt is not going to get you any closer to your destination any faster.

#3 – The art of the “thank you” wave. Have you ever given someone a gift or did someone a favor and they didn’t say thank you? It pretty much ruins that warm fuzzy you just had for being so nice, right? That’s exactly what happens when I give someone the gift of merging in front of me and they don’t give me the thank you wave. I need a thank you wave. I need you to recognize my kindness. I was talking to a friend that’s not from Texas and I was bragging about how nice the drivers are here, that we’re the best at giving thank you waves. He completely disagreed and said that he rarely got a wave. So I decided to do an experiment. I let people in and let pedestrians cross, I wanted to prove to my friend that Texans are the perfect thank you wavers. But I was so wrong. Now I notice it all the time and it makes me so ashamed of my people, which shouldn’t ever happen. EVER! I’ve especially noticed younger drivers are the worst offenders. That’s great you think you’re hot and young, but throw me a thank you wave before I throw you my fist. Not really, but seriously.

#4 – Oh, you’re welcome! Some of you are probably thinking “I already give thank you waves, but I never get them!” I feel your pain. Want to know how to make it better? Give a “you’re welcome” wave. It’s incredible how much it shames people and forces them to give a wave back. They look like the jerk and you look like the angel you really are. It’s a win-win! You just have to teach people how to treat you, it’s as simple as that.

#5 – No, you aren’t the only one on the road. This one is simple and pretty much encompasses all the rules above. Just be nice, be aware, and be courteous. While we’d all like to think the world revolves around us, it actually doesn’t. So hang up the phone, get off my back, and be a better driver. I understand you’re in a rush to get home to shave your beard or empty the dishwasher, but so is everyone else. We are all busy and we all have things to do. But when someone starts acting like their life is more important than others, traffic happens and people start hating each other. Don’t be the cause of traffic. Please.

Know that these are simply rules and guidelines. Don’t try to blame me for any accidents or mishaps. You’re the driver and you know what’s right and what’s wrong. Now let’s unite as drivers and stop the madness! Use this great knowledge to go forth and conquer!!!